On Mortality (and Why the Muppets Matter) [From the Archives: 4-4-09]

[The below article was posted on the original Muppet Freak on April 4, 2009]

Well, when i started this venture, i did say that not only would i be discussing my other areas of fandom but also occasionally touching on other stuff as well. I mentioned that sometimes it would be silly, sometimes snarky, other times serious. This is one of those times it gets very serious (and probably the most serious article that will be found here)

I'm going to warn everyone right up front. I'm going to discuss something that is very taboo to talk about in our society. And those who do talk about it almost NEVER do so in the way i'm about to because there's that much of a stigma about it. We may live in what i sometimes refer to as a "South Park" society where it seems these days courtesy goes out the window, six year olds curse blue streaks as their parents either don't care or actually encourage them, and almost any kind of talk about sex or violence is not only openly in everyone's face everywhere but the news media even seems to thrive on it. We have reached a point where the most crude things there are to discuss are always out there with no discretion, but despite all that it still remains essentially forbidden to both hold and talk about the views i'm going to express. If you find you can't take what i'm about to say, you may want to skip to the very end of the post where it ties all back together to the Muppets and the larger picture.

I recently found out that a good friend of mine from my school days died. More specifically, he killed himself. Needless to say, i'm quite devastated and my heart and best thoughts and wishes go out to his family and those he's currently close to (we haven't talked to each other since school and moving on with our own separate lives). There are of course nearly a hundred different thoughts and emotions swimming around in my mind about this all but chief among them is envy and incredible respect and admiration about his choice.

As long as i can remember, i've always questioned the world around me and often came to unusual conclusions. I remember being a little kid and always being amazed at how almost all the other kids my age (in real life and on the tv) thought the opposite gender was "yucky". One of my best friends was a girl who lived across the street and we had no problem with each other and i was observant enough to notice that at some point boys and girls eventually end up liking each other enough to fall in love and get married so i always would think "well if it happens later, why wait to be friends?" Now of course i think i can also thank Sesame Street for that since that was constant exposure to a world where boys and girls were equal and all got along and played and had fun with each other. That's just one example of the kind of unconventionalist approach i've taken towards viewing the world around me.

Well, something else that has never made sense to me is the way our society (and societies throughout history) has viewed death and more specifically self-deliverance. Here's my line of thinking. It's okay if you don't agree; i know many of you won't and this may even be the first time you heard anyone say this stuff but just because it may be "out there" or different than what you're used to doesn't make it not valid. Death is a natural part of the life cycle. It's one of the most inevitable things there are and there's never been a person born on this earth who has been immune to it. It's part of the natural order of things. We're born, we age, we die.  Always - and each and every one of us - no exceptions.  Sometimes it's early in the life cycle (sometimes not even surviving the journey out of the womb), other times people live beyond the age of 100. Some lives are taken by fate; others by natural causes. At one time or another it happens to every single one of us.

 "Life is made up of meetings and partings"


Being the totally natural and inevitable event that death is, i don't see why suicide is seen as such a horrible thing. You will meet very few people who are willing to express that they think it's okay (even if they may very well feel it is deep down, it's just not something any of us will come out and say). If we're all going to die, shouldn't we be allowed some say over when and how? Should the ability to take control over an inevitable and natural part of our life cycle not be an inalienable and undeniable right?

Now i know the automatic answer many have to those questions. Many people don't have the kind of wisdom to make such decisions, especially when we're younger. How many of us in our childhood or teens felt like ending it all over something we may now look back at as rather trivial? The kind of teen drama type stuff like "Ohmygawd, Becky told Johnny that i kinda sorta liked him and he didn't believe her or seemed to care - i don't think i can go on". True, when we're younger we don't always have the wisdom and maturity to handle such big responsibilities. That's why most countries have various age of consent laws for things like smoking, driving vehicles, drinking, playing the lottery, engaging in sexual activity, etc. If given the choice to take our lives whenever we wanted, a lot of us probably wouldn't live past our teen years.

But at some point, should we not be able to take an honest look at our lives and place in the world and say "there really is no more point in going on. I didn't ask to be born in the first place and this is the time for it to come to an end." It would give our family and friends a chance to establish closure and say their goodbyes beforehand. Those we know aren't taken by surprise and shock and they can be glad that the person taking their life had the good fortune to depart this earth the way they wanted. If suicide was legal and an accepted practice in our society, there wouldn't be any need for people to attempt taking their lives in reckless ways that may endanger others or are very violent and harsh or leave behind a traumatic scene for the survivors to witness. One could enter a facility where they are humanely put to sleep - similar to the lethal injections criminals sentenced to the death penalty are given. No gruesome crime scenes for police to clean up involving hangings, gun shots, jumps off buildings and the like. We can die with dignity when we feel the time is right.

It would also aid in environmentalism. Our planet just can not support a population that grows at an exponential rate. Any means of population control benefits us all and if anyone's going to talk about implementing any kind of practice in society that brings the population down, shouldn't it be geared towards those who don't want to live anymore and wish to leave voluntarily?

I've faced a lifelong battle with severe depression. I feel things very intensely and can be too sensitive for my own good. Thoughts of death have been as much a part of my regular existence as loving the Muppets or for that matter even breathing. And in full disclosure i once did try to kill myself when i was around 17 by taking a large amount of sleeping pills. Didn't even come close to working. I slept very deeply for a long time and had the mother of all headaches and felt very dizzy and groggy afterwards, but otherwise nothing happened.

When i was 28, i made a pact with myself that during my 29th year, if i honestly felt that my life wasn't improving and that i saw little point in continuing with it, i would not allow myself to turn 30; i would end it beforehand. In one of those odd twists of irony, even though i truly didn't feel towards the end of my 29th year like i should continue, an event i literally waited a lifetime to happen ended up scheduled on my 30th birthday. Despite my better judgement, i held on and entered my 30's. (Even though i still had a total nervous breakdown and came very close to slashing my wrists or drowning myself in the bathtub that weekend.)

There's been some good moments in the seven years since that i'm very grateful to have experienced. My two years with Grand Canyon Mens' Chorale and winning the "Most Outstanding Performer" award my rookie year ... or for that matter even being able to sing again when a very severe battle of bronchitis nearly destroyed my singing ability and voice. (I actually still live with a degree of non-viral bronchitis and am especially vulnerable during times of high air pollution). Having a front row center seat at an Annie Lennox concert and meeting her afterwards. Those are some of the most prominent memories i have of the last few years where i can honestly say i'm thankful i got to have those experiences.

But moments like that have really been few and far between and if i was to honestly and brutally assess my life - where it's been and where it's going, i would have to say i made the wrong choice not to end it sooner. Had i had access to a vision of my future and known what it would hold and the stuff i've gone through, i wouldn't have had any doubts that death was the better choice. I won't go into much detail but suffice to say in addition to the financial hardships that our current economy has wrought, i have endured nearly every single form of antigay bigotry that exists (with the thankful exception of physical violence) - i've been disowned by parts of my family (and looked at as a "black sheep" by others who haven't totally outright written me off), lost a home, lost employment, had property vandalized, experienced numerous forms of harassment, and have had my car messed with and sometimes actually sabotaged. Which is really quite remarkable that for someone who really has rarely dated or been with much others, that i would be as victimized as i've been. It's all been pure bigotry directed at what i naturally am and can't help being instead of reactions to specific practices or behaviors. (To put it mildly, an overweight, ugly person in his 30's who lives in poverty and desires relationships based around friendship as opposed to sex just simply is not going to enjoy much companionship!)

I don't think i can really say there hasn't been a day since my 30th birthday that i haven't thought about death, wanting to die, suicide, or any combination thereof. Maybe at most, i might have been able to go 48 hours without such thoughts, but that would be the maximum. Like i said before, they're just simply as natural a part of my existence as sleeping and eating (which i sure as heck do a lot of. That's an advantage of being overweight. Animals get fat in the first place so they can survive stretches of time when they don't eat including hibernation. So if i have a couple days off from work and don't have to be anywhere else or have any other responsibilities, i'll "hibernate" - literally go to bed and stay there and not feel or think anything and be at as much of an "at rest" state close to being dead as i can get while being alive.)

I've done a huge amount of research on self-deliverance. I have no doubt that unless fate beats me to it, that i will eventually die by my own hand. The only variable is whether it ends up being four days, four weeks, four months, four years, or four decades from now. Unless my research brings to my attention a better method, i already have it planned out how i'll do it. I live in a constant state of amazement that i haven't already quite honestly. And when i hear of people like my old friend who actually have taken their life, they have my deepest respect and envy. People often use the word "cowardice" when discussing suicides. Personally, especially considering humans have a natural survival instinct and reflexive drive, i think the ability to face death and embrace it willingly the way and time one chooses is one of the bravest things a person can do. Those who take their own lives should be seen as heroes, not victims. They took control over something that was a natural inevitability.

So the big question is why exactly am i still here? What has kept me from doing what i probably should have done a very long time ago? There's really three things when it comes right down to it.

(1) I have no fear of dying. But what i DO fear immensely is surviving a suicide attempt. For someone who has tried it once and not really experienced any major consequences, i got off very dang lucky. But my greatest fear is that i would try to take my life and not succeed and then be forced to spend the rest of my life even worse off as before - perhaps with severe injuries to my body, brain damage, loss of limbs or senses. This thought terrifies me like no other and in my almost daily ruminations on death, i often feel "If i'm a failure at every single other thing in life, why would i expect to be a success at self-deliverance?" If all else is going wrong, how could i be so arrogant as to expect that would be the one thing to go right? Therefore i endure and struggle through for fear of a worse alternative.

(2) Respect for my family. As i mentioned earlier, most of my family has not been eager to accept the reality of my being a gay man. To say that i'm close to any member of my family would be a big exaggeration. Holidays are always awkward as i'm expected to sit down and eat with people who i know really don't want me there and fearing that either my food or my car will be messed with by a certain individual (both of which have actually happened). Nonetheless, i do recognize that one of the very worst types of pain in the pantheon of human existence is when a parent outlives and has to bury a child. Both my parents are still alive (up there in years and could go at any time, but still alive regardless.) If i can at all help it, i will not put either one of them through that experience. As unwanted and uncared for as i may be, i still feel i owe them that level of courtesy and respect. Not to say that one day, the drive, desire, and need to finally end things won't eventually overtake that sentiment, but much more likely than not, i will most likely wait until they're both gone first before i make my departure. (Of course, it's always possible that all this is total b.s., and just my way of rationalizing living in an effort to avoid reason #1 above.)

(3) What Tomorrow Brings. And here we get to the Muppet-related part of this post. No matter how much i may long to be at eternal peace and rest and non-existence, the fact remains that as long as i'm here, i have to have something to hold onto. The older i get, the more i realize that "Hope" is not that thing. As the economy gets worse, and i struggle to pay bills and survive and hold on to a place to live and basically just exist to work as much hours as i can to afford the costs of living, there's little time, expense, or chance of other pursuits that we refer to as goals or dreams. I need some major miracles and if anything i've learned that "miracles" are not the type of gifts that someone like me receives. (I have my own metaphor about religion that i have but out of respect for those with different belief systems, i won't express it here - suffice it to say, it's analogous to someone continuing to be kicked when they're down.) So if "Hope", "Dreams", "Love" and other such concepts are out of the running, what's left?

It's my areas of fandom that literally keep me going. The little pleasures in life like seeing a new Muppet Movie or hearing a new Pet Shop Boys album are the ropes i cling to that keep me from letting go and falling into the abyss. Those are the things that bring me my rare moments of happiness (or anything approaching it). That no doubt may sound very pathetic to those who don't understand the idea...that out of anything else, a new Muppet project is what keeps me going. But one has to hold onto something and that's what brings me joy. And no, it's not "just" another Muppet special per se, but all the things in life i love, be it entertainers and artists, certain foods, my favorite type of weather (when there's light scattered rainclouds but they're at an angle where it rains and sunshines at the same time). In fact, even more than the Muppets, throughout my life, anytime i've been in the process of listening and/or making music is the time i'm at an emotional state that can best be described as happiness. When i sing and i'm at my best and there's no physical limitations holding me back (bronchitis in check, voice fully warmed up, full access to complete range, no soreness of throat), it's like i enter a portal to another place; a total different zone of existence that i otherwise can't describe except for being at total bliss and harmony with everything else. Maybe areas of fandom seem like a very small and very desperate thing to cling to. But it's what i have out of a limited number of options and it works more or less to some degree.

Your thoughts on self-deliverance may be very different from mine. That's okay. But all of us have our darker moments and personal storms - to some they're scattered flurries and to others of us, they're the overwhelming norm. Whether they're small passing fancies or continual non-stop companions permanent as any tattoo, i encourage everyone to hold on to those things you love and bring you joy when you need them.

And for those like my old friend who recognize that the darkness of existence is far greater than the joys or benefits of holding on, i salute your courage to approach your life with that amount of honesty and the rare ability to be proactive about taking complete and total control over one of the most natural and inevitable parts of life. I can't begin to express how much i envy that. You should be honored, not pitied; celebrated, not mourned. Should the time (i use the word "should" instead of "when" simply because fate could always intervene in the meantime and strike me before i have the chance to do anything myself) come when news of my own self-deliverance is reported, i just want people to remember that i had the blessed opportunity to embrace my mortality the way and time i wanted and wish no pity or mourning (not that i really would expect the mourning anyway). My choice, my time, my desire. That should always be considered and respected as enough.

[Originally posted on April 4th, 2009, this was my first post to cover the subject of self-deliverance; i refer back to this article several other times in later posts as it became more clear that i was indeed planning on going through with taking my life before my 40th birthday.  Even though i held on and kept going (with the only reason to do so being for the things i covered here:  fandom related things that i didn't want to miss out on, including a project that i had spent a lot of time and energy on fighting to make sure it ended up happening and wanted to see how that turned out), that "hibernation" state i mentioned essentially made up my life since turning 40 - staying in bed every moment i could get away with.  Working on Muppet Freak's at least given me something to force myself out of bed and doing something and in the process i've started getting back into some regular habits i'd abandoned for a good three months such as checking emails and going on Muppet forums.  Even though i may no longer have a date or "deadline" in mind, i do know that my time left is short whether that means less than a year, over a year - i simply don't know at this point.

Continued battles with chronic bronchitis again destroyed any chance of singing anymore; this was all written before everything really went to hell in 2010 in regards to work/employment/finances (i.e. i could still afford to eat regularly) - every day i wake up in the morning and get out of bed is filled with much pain/regret and wondering "why do i continue to DO this?   Is the rare moments of joy my areas of fandom bring ultimately worth it?"  Sometimes i can't in all honesty say they are.

Yet for some reason, there's this weird feeling inside me that i still have an "unfinished mission" before i embark on my suffocation/pills combo:  that there's still something important i need to do first - but i don't know what it is exactly.  But i'm keeping my eyes and mind open as to what it may be and in the meantime, i keep doing the only one thing left i'm any good at - being a Muppet/Henson fan and taking that fandom and turning it into something that can be shared with others.  I said in my introductory post that at that time i didn't know if this would eventually be just a new place to archive the old articles or if it would become a full "return" - i think it's safe to say at the moment with the mix of new articles among the reprints, that Muppet Freak is "back"...but since it's own existence is linked with mine, i can't say how long for - but during whatever amount of time i have left. i hope to make it something valuable to the greater Muppet/Henson fandom community. ]

What's the Easter Bunny Bringing to Muppet Freak This Week?

It's Easter week!  So that must mean the Easter Bunny must be bringing some nifty stuff to Muppet Freak this week!  What do you have in store for us, Easter Bunny?

"That's BENNY, not BUNNY!  And I'm not bringing nuttin' for Easter - I gotta get downtown!!"

Eep.  Wrong rabbit.  Okay let's try again.  What cool treats are being prepared for Muppet Freak's Easter Basket?

  "Watch me eat the Poser Muppets!  THANK YOU!"

No no no!  You're a Poser Bunny!  Come on!  All the other Muppet fansites get cool freebies from the Muppet people - doncha have any love for Muppet Freak, Easter Bunny?

  "LOVE BUNNY!  BUNNY LOVE!!  HAHAHA!"

...Sigh...okay.  Looks like the Easter Bunnies are a bit occupied at the moment but hey - we're Muppet Freak!  We don't need no stinkin' Easter Bunnies to bring our readers special treats!  We've got lots of cool stuff prepared for Muppet Freak this week, none of which has been inside a messy sticky egg or hidden in the grass where it could have been subjected to neighborhood animals' body fluids.

This week on Muppet Freak, we still have my huge article on one of the biggest issues facing the world of Muppet Fandom (and the third worst thing to ever happen to the Muppets) - i delayed that article to both spend some extra care on it and also because i have a serious subject repost article on deck and rather than posting two more serious posts back-to-back, i have another NEW article which is much more lighthearted and fun coming up to break the two of them up.  As mentioned, we have a repost of one of the original Muppet Freak's most serious subjects - but one with an uplifting message on why the Muppets matter!  A look at those special minor Muppets that serve as a barometer for a production's "Muppetyness"  And maybe some other unplanned surprises if either inspiration strikes, news breaks, someone makes a really good special request or if a froggin' Easter Bunny ever makes its way over to Muppet Freak....

  
"An Easter Basket for Muppet Freak?  When pigs tie (the knot)!"

Oh come ON!  That's a BONNIE, not a bunny!  I bet this kind of stuff never happens to The Muppet Mindset...

Our First Muppeteer Interview - And BOY, Is This Huge and a Major Coup! [From the Archives: 4-1-09]

[The below article was posted on the original Muppet Freak on April 1, 2009]

Nearly ten years ago, i was blessed to have contributed the very first "celebrity interview" (Jerry Juhl) to Muppetcentral.com. Well, after having only been online with this new venture for a mere couple of weeks, i've landed a HUGE interview for this site. I mean we're talking as big as big wigs come! Jim Lewis? Bigger! Stevie "Wonder" Whitmire? Even better! Kirk Thatcher? Lyelle Brier? Frank Oz? Brian Henson? Drew Massey even? No! This is as major as it gets. My very first interview for Muppet Freak is with the big guy himself...Jim Henson! I can hear everyone stammering in front of their screens now..."But...but...he's dead! Jim? How?" Two words: "Ouija Board"! So Jim, how do you feel Steve Whitmire's been handling the passing on of Kermit and Ernie? After a pause, board reads..."jgifbn8w" Okay - two better words: Madame Olga. Now being the financially challenged guy i am, i couldn't afford her standard fee, but after i told her this would no doubt be read by legions of Henson's fans worldwide on the edge of their seats waiting to hear what he has to say after anyone's heard from him for nearly two decades, she wanted me to pass on to all you legions that Madame Olga in Phoenix Arizona is the one to turn to for all your extra special seance needs! Now that our advertising is out of the way, here's what Jim has to say: d.w.: So Jim, being that this is my first time ever using this medium (no pun intended) to communicate, i don't know what kind of time or connection we're working with, so let's get right to the questions on most people's minds. How well do you feel Kermit's been performed since the torch was passed? Jim: Well of course it's not the same, it could never be the same. But Brian's done an absolutely amazing job with... d.w.: Uh, excuse me, Mr. Henson, but you said "Brian". You are aware that Steve Whitmire is the one who's been playing Kermit aren't you? Jim: Really? Little Stevie? No, I always heard Brian was doing my characters! We don't get all the most reliable sources up here - we sometimes get some crazy rumors. d.w.: You don't have the internet? Jim: Actually we do. That's part of the problem. d.w.: Ah, i see. Jim: Course it is a bit minimal - being that Bill Gates is one of the tools of the devil, that does put a bit of a damper on a lot of stuff available to us up here. d.w.: Well anyway, getting back on track, Steve has indeed been the only one performing Kermit since we lost you. Jim: Ah well, Brian's still made me very proud with how he's done Ernie... d.w.: Uh, still Steve... Jim: Stevie again? Gee whiz. Does Brian do ANY of my characters or has Steve just been doing nothing but riding on my coattails since 1990? d.w.: No, your characters have been played by various people...and Steve does a wonderful job playing his own characters as well. But as far as Brian goes, the only one of your characters he's ever performed was The Newsman. And he was one of a few different people. Interestingly enough, Brian actually became more of a replacement performer for Richard Hunt's characters for a while, taking up Scooter and Janice for a time. Jim: Mmmmm. d.w.: Indeed, "mmmmm" (Now i KNOW this is Jim i'm talking with if i had any doubts.) Jim: So does he have his own characters? d.w.: He hasn't done as much Muppeteering the last few years since the Disney sale but he's the one who performs Sal and Phil Van Neuter... Jim: That's Brian huh? Holy guacamole! I don't believe it! d.w.: What? Jim: His voice hasn't changed since he was a teenager! No wonder he's not doing Kermit! d.w.: Anyway, since Richard Hunt's name came up, do you see your old friends who have passed on frequently? Do you party with or work on new projects or have adventures with Richard, Jerry Juhl, and Don Sahlin for example? Jim: Nah. I never get to talk with Richard. He has his whole posse he hangs out with - Oscar Wilde, Sal Mineo, Noel Coward, James Dean...they're like the "happening kids in the schoolyard" as it were... d.w.: Too bad. I mean i'm happy for Richard but it just seems like you'd be together more. Jim: As for Jerry and Don, I have no contact with them at all since they're um..."downstairs" shall we say? d.w.: Neither Jerry or Don got into Heaven?! Jim: No no, they got in. But not too long after they were both here together, they teamed up to play a gag on The Big Boss by arranging a million ping pong balls to fall on God's head. They were quickly relocated to a lower floor. Despite popular belief, The Boss does not have that big a sense of humor! d.w.: Wow. I always thought any supreme being that would give the male gender BOTH Adam's Apples and the need to shave one's neck would have a wicked sense of humor... Jim: No, no. That's just wickedness period. Humor has nothing to do with it. d.w.: I notice you tend to refer to God as "The Boss". Does that mean he's actually kind of close to how he was represented in "It's a Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie"? Jim: Remarkably close actually! But obviously God's not Whoopi Goldberg. d.w.: I wouldn't think so, even though that was some inspired casting for the movie. Um...i know you probably can't say much, but no harm in asking...are you able to comment or even give any hints as to who or what God is exactly? Jim: Yoko Ono. d.w.: That's a hint? Jim: No, that's actually who God is. Yoko Ono! d.w.: That actually would explain a lot if that were actually true...but how could that be? Yoko's alive and well here on Earth - she's not even dead or anything yet! Jim: You obviously haven't followed her career for a long long time have you? d.w.: Point taken. Wow. That's a real mind blower - are you actually allowed to make such a huge revelation to us all like that? Would you face any repercussions for breaking that news to us? Jim: No no, on the contrary it's good for people to finally know that. You see, it will help with your prayers. Whenever you pray or meditate, if you continually chant Yoko Ono's name backwards, this greatly increases your chances of being heard and answered. d.w.: So..."Onookoy"? Jim: "Onookoy!" Try it! It works! d.w.: Okay, i think i've filled my "Answering the Mysteries of Life" quota. Back to the stuff Muppet fans are wondering...one thing that we recently learned on the bonus features for the Fraggle Rock dvd's... Jim: ...By the way, fans can rest assured that the "good folks" at HIT Entertainment and Lionsgate have essentially written their names in Hell's address book for pulling that garbage with releasing season four as part of a complete series only, making fans pay twice for the other seasons they bought! d.w.: Oh my - that IS marvelous news. But at any rate, many of us were surprised that you were initially against the idea of wrapping up the series in the way it wound up! How did you initially envision Fraggle Rock ending? Jim: Fraggle Rock would have been completely destroyed by the Gorgs. There would have been no survivors among the Fraggles, Doozers, or any of the other various creatures that live in the Rock. d.w.: Oh my gosh! I never would have thought you'd do something like that! Do the Gorgs face any consequences? Jim: They then all get crushed by a huge Monty Python style foot. d.w.: No way! Jim: But don't feel bad for any of them. After all that happens, we learn that the whole series was actually nothing more than a dream of Ned Shimmelfinny's. Doc wakes him up from his dream and we see that the "real" Doc actually pretty shockingly resembles a human version of Boober. d.w.: No offense, but i think i like the way the series actually ended better. Jim: Yeah, Jerry was always better at that kind of ending stuff than I was. d.w.: One theme that was very much a part of Fraggle Rock and really most of the Jim Henson Company's works, especially during your last decade among us has been the need for humans to take care of the environment. As you can probably sadly tell, as a species, we've really failed to heed those messages. Jim: #$@* George Bush! Both of them! d.w.: WHOA!! You know, Mr. Henson, not that i don't totally agree with that sentiment but...well two things: (1) Even though my site is geared towards adult Muppet/Henson fans, i try to keep the language clean so i'll have to censor that sentence a little, i'm afraid. Second and more importantly, i'm really flabbergasted to hear such a strong statement coming from you! I mean, for someone who has this almost Zen-like reputation for rarely getting angry or saying negative things about others, to hear that coming from you is a real shocker! Jim: Well, you know that whole mythos about my never getting angry or speaking ill was really all a huge p.r. legend that continues to this day. d.w.: GET OUT OF TOWN! Jim: Think about it - where ELSE do you think Frank Oz picked up that "sailor's mouth" of his? d.w.: Let's change the subject. Going on twenty years after your passing, you're still recognized as one of our greatest modern geniuses... Jim: Oh, "genius schmenius!" Look, people go on and on about how I recognized that you didn't need to show a puppet stage when shooting puppets on television because the very outline of the screen could serve as that border. I mean COME ON! ANYONE could see that! I just happened to be the first person who DID something about that. If it wasn't me, it soon would have been someone else. Things like that happen in your world all the time! Little stuff that doesn't make sense that everyone can see is silly but no one ever does anything about correcting it. Like how the Circle K's put the darn teabags on the opposite side of the store from the hot water and cups! d.w.: I see what you mean. We are indeed "Silly Creatures" aren't we? Jim: Well, let me put it this way. God may not have a huge sense of humor but she does laugh at you folks an awful lot! d.w.: Since your death, not only have The Muppets lived on, but the Jim Henson Company has continued your legacy of innovation in television and film. Most notably, Farscape. I imagine you must be very proud of how hard Brian fought for years to bring something like that to the screen, showcasing years of progress made by the Creature Shop as well as advances in makeup, CGI, and sci-fi storytelling. As Farscape celebrates its tenth anniversary and continues to be regarded as one of the best sci-fi series of all time, i imagine you must have much to say about all of its success... Jim: They should never have killed off the hot blue bald chick in season three! d.w.: Um...yeah! Well, back to the Muppets! Right now it looks like Jason Segel's film script is essentially greenlit from Disney. Will it indeed live up to its proposed title of "The Greatest Muppet Movie Ever Made"? Jim: Yes and no. It will surpass the ones that came before. However there will ultimately be a Muppet film in 2024 that would really have to be considered the greatest of all time. d.w.: Does Segel write that one too? Jim: Nope. Doogie Howser. d.w.: NEIL PATRICK HARRIS? I knew he was also a huge Muppet Freak (and frelling cute too!), but that's pretty amazing that the two greatest Muppet films of all time are both written by actors who are Muppet fans as opposed to the regular Muppet writers or anyone like that! Jim: No no, Doogie Howser will be the name of one of the Muppet writing staff at that time. That's his actual name, he has nothing to do with Neil Patrick Harris other than the fact his tv-obsessed parents named their son after the character. d.w.: Wow, i'm really learning a lot! But now let's really up the stakes. Give us one humungous scoop! Tell us some previously unrevealed secret about the Muppets or the Jim Henson Company that's gonna make all our heads spin. Jim: Oh, I have something juicy alright - but do you really think you can handle it? d.w.: After learning about Yoko Ono, i think we can take anything else you throw at us by now. Jim: Okay, brace yourselves. I shall now reveal the biggest secret about the Jim Henson Company and the Muppets. It's about Eric Jacobson. d.w.: The amazing performer who's taken on most of Frank Oz's characters? Go on! Jim: He's not real. He's a top secret experiment between JHC and the US government combining the pinnacle of research in the fields of genetic cloning and animatronics. It's all very complex but it's really very simple. d.w.: Wow...that's just such another very "Jim" thing to say! Please continue! Jim: He's basically a created creature put together by the Creature Shop and given artificial intelligence provided by genetic samplings of Frank Oz's old chewed up pencils and "inside Cookie Monster puppet sweat" or to use our own internal slang, "Foggy Fozz"! d.w.: My readers will never forgive me if i fail to ask this. What are your true feelings about the sale of the Muppets to Disney; both the sale itself and the way Disney has handled them? Jim: I'm cool with it. d.w.: That's all you have to say? Jim: Well, of course they REALLY need to stop using that "kissing his fingers" Swedish Chef photo in the merchandise all the froggin' time! d.w.: Amen! But i mean, surely you can elaborate - there must be a lot more you can say about how you feel about Disney's ownership? Jim: Actually, no - not really. d.w.: That's all, huh? How come? Jim: Well...let's just say the immense powers and wrath of the Walt Disney Company have extended its claws into my realm as well. I can reveal that God is Yoko Ono, but if I say anything too bad about Disney, I'm just asking for trouble! d.w.: Okay, then let's wrap this up with three questions i've saved for last. First up; your death occurred before the explosion of the internet and online fandom. What are your thoughts on the scale and intensity of the Muppet/Henson fan community? Jim: Listen very closely. YOU GEEKS NEED TO GET A BLOODY LIFE! I mean, gee whiz! Obsessing over what the real name of a Muppet Monster puppet is? They're just puppets - their names change all the time! We could change Animal's name at any time to Uffaflugg just because we can! And what is all this with living and breathing how many Sesame Street episodes (and which ones) were brought to you by the letter "H"?! Not only is that just scary, but THAT DOESN'T EVEN HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME! d.w.: Alright, more specifically, how do you feel about my blog? I mean i know it's pretty new and all but am i on the right track; off to a good start? Jim: Well, ther's a litttle too many tipos, As far as content, there's stuff that's right on and other stuff I don't agree with. You nailed how Bert & Ernie Sing Along is the COOLEST Sesame Street Album EVER (and you haven't even heard the outtakes!) However you were way too hard on the Muppet Babies and the Posers in your article on The Two Worst Things to Ever Happen to the Muppets. d.w.: Well then straight from the horse's mouth as it were - what would YOU say is the worst thing to ever happen to the Muppets? Jim: Muppet Baby Posers. Skeeter just should never be seen in three dimensions. d.w.: My final question. Do you have any messages for any of us still on Earth? Fans? Former colleagues/friends? Jim: Stand back, sonny! I've got SEVERAL!... Karen Prell: Stop pulling that whole "DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM" attitude/routine at Home Depot. The poor salesclerks DON'T know who you are, nor does hardly anyone else. They just know you as the very mean lady with the swelled head that tries to get all these insane freebies. Bill Baretta, Drew Massey, Victor Yerrid, Ricky Boyd, and Kevin Clash: As tempted as you may be to turn down Playgirl Magazine's offer to do a "Nothing Up Their Sleeves (Or Anywhere Else!)" photo spread, for Ono's Sake, DO IT! You think the funds from Tickle Me Elmo saved Sesame Workshop? That's nothing compared to the money you'll bring in to the Muppets if you do that photo session! Big Daddy Jim has spoken so now you have no excuse! Oh, and Kevin, while i've got your ear - that whole Elmo thing? You're currently at a "9", we need you more at a "3"! Matt Vogel: Please stop hoarding chicken wings in the Big Bird suit. That's just WRONG on so many levels! I mean, the worst thing Carroll Spinney ever did was slip in some porno flicks on the monitor strapped to his chest and only during downtime! Dave Goelz: Eat more lime jello. I can't reveal why, just trust me on this one! Kirk Thatcher: Wear less Hawaiian shirts and more black. Not only is it slimming but it makes you incredibly sultry looking! Marty Robinson: Please stop eating the puppets! Not only is it very bad for your health but you know how the current economy has taken its toll on Sesame Workshop as it is without having to rebuild all the characters you're snacking on! Why do you think they had to switch to that Mini-Zoe? Muppet Builders: Take my word on this: despite the expense, go on and rebuild the Thog costume. Do it and he'll end up becoming an even greater breakout star than Pepe and Elmo combined! After all, the money from that Playgirl shoot, while substantial, won't last forever! And finally, to my five children who I dearly love endlessly to a degree that your Earthly languages can't express (and yes, John, that includes you despite your guilt over how I might feel about your forsaking the family fortune and becoming a professional pudding wrestler. Not only am I perfectly fine with it, but you look much hotter in a speedo covered head to toe with chocolate than you ever did in the Sweetums costume), as much as I hold you all in the highest regard and feel you could never do any wrong...PLEASE PLEASE _*PLEASE*_ don't name any of my grandchildren Kermit, Oscar, Crazy Harry, Froggie Baby, Doglion, or Doogie. And finally to all Muppet fans young and old who's ever found enjoyment in my work, HAPPY APRIL FOOL'S DAY! [Since this was originally posted on April Fool's Day three years ago, i wanted to wait until this year's April 1st to add the repost.  This was a huge labor of love with lots of great, fun Easter Eggs within and i hope Henson fans and Muppet Freaks enjoy reading it.     On its original run, it took awhile for the feedback from those who "got it" to chime in, but the very first couple of comments i got regarding it were from people who were SHOCKED and APPALLED.  Not over the concept per se, but over the fact that i DARED to write something with the words "Ouija board" in it (despite the fact that in the context of the fiction, the Ouija board didn't actually work and was a piece of junk - one would think they would have been pleased that i helped further the idea of Ouija boards being a waste of time that one should stay away from, but irrational prejudices aren't known for being, well.. rational.) Like a lot of the sillier stuff i tend to do, the genesis for this April Fool's post came from some serious musings.  It had struck me that Jim passed away a few years before the internet really caught on and missed out on how an artist's fans could now have a more intimate and immediate relationship with the people who created the work they admire - Jim didn't get to see the initial newsgroups, the fansites, the forums and by extension, fans never really got to see how Jim would have interacted with the online fanbase.  So thinking about what an fansite interview with Jim talking about fandom would have been like seemed like a fun idea to explore.  I was also poking fun at the fact that Muppet Freak was a new site at the time and didn't have the kind of inside sources from Henson, Disney, and such that some other sites that existed at the time did - so again this was fun to snark on and turn on its head. Oh - and HEY!  Jim was RIGHT about rebuilding Thog!  One of the best things Disney's done! Hope you had fun reading this.  Remember this was still when Muppet Freak wasn't even a month old yet, so this was just the beginning of wild and fun stuff to come.  Stay tuned as we continue to get the original archives back up along with new content...there's still a very important post coming up this week exploring a major issue currently confronting the Muppet Fan Community.  Check back often and spread the word to other Muppet/Henson fans that we're here, back, and at this new address.]

All Muppets Fans Are Not Created Equal

Since Muppet Freak had been on what had seemed at the time like a permanent hiatus during the latter half of 2011, i've got a lot of catching up to do - not just in terms of getting all the archives from the old server back online, but also topics having to do with "The Muppets".  This of course was The Big One We've Been Waiting For - the Muppets' glorious return back on top of popular culture where they belonged!  Most of us will never forget our experiences seeing it for the first time...maybe you saw it along with a group of fellow fans or maybe you even managed to see it in Los Angeles at the official premiere.  Here's my story.

2011 wasn't a very good year for me.  For that matter, the whole decade basically sucked.  I had lost so much and hit rock bottom with very little money, no car, no hope of being able to escape my rut, nothing left to live for, no chance of any dreams i may have had once upon a time to ever come true.  Nothing in my life was right, every day was a living nightmare i just wanted to wake up from and the only source of joy or happiness left came only from my objects of fandom.

I knew pretty much since the beginning of the year - since most of 2010 actually - that 2011 would be the year i finally felt my release.  A decade prior as i was approaching my 30th birthday, i made a pact with myself that if there didn't seem to be any real indication that my then-already-quite-unfabulous life wasn't going to be any better, i would end it all before suffering the indignity of turning 30.  Looking back, it was really only one thing that kept me from going through with it:  it just so happened that the day of my 30th birthday just ended up happening to be the same weekend as the first (and to date only) official Muppet Fan Convention, MuppetFest.  MuppetFest literally saved my life.

...Though it turns out, it wasn't worth saving.  Essentially the entire next decade would be one of tragedy after loss after crushing blow...capped off with being thrown out of my family's house for being gay along with the loss of a longtime job also due to being gay.  A healthy savings account would end up depleted as expensive car repairs mounted, jobs came and went - companies closed (in one case owing employees three months of backpay).  My singing ability was ruined by chronic bronchitis.  I developed a theory that i was actually already dead and in Hell.  Everything that could go wrong did; if any kind of slight blessing looked to be coming up, it was either a false alarm or a prelude to something worse.  If i had any way of knowing what 2002-2011 held in store, there's no way i would have chosen beforehand to experience it; i would have ended it all after MuppetFest and died happy.

So after ten very long torturous years, here i was now in 2011 completely beaten up by life, continually amazed at how there were maybe only about two good days out of the entire decade and how there never seemed to be any break in the storm...ten years straight of rain and curses.  My 40th birthday would be at the end of the year and just like a decade earlier, i knew the time had come to admit defeat and bring my life to an end before that date.  I'd done lots more research during the past decade as to methods and knew precisely what i would do when the time was right.  Unlike ten years ago, i had nothing left to hope for - everything good in my life had been lost, all dreams and chances at happiness destroyed so "To Be or Not to Be" wasn't even a question; the choice was obvious.  I made peace with the idea and was fully ready to finally escape the eternal torment once and for all.  It was time and i was at complete acceptance of that fact.

But there was one other thing that was to define the year 2011:  it was The Year of the Muppet.  On Thanksgiving Day, the first Muppet theatrical film in 12 years would hit theatres with the full marketing muscle and financial support of Disney behind it.  The new Muppet film was to be the one we had all awaited for so long.  If nothing else, i had to suffer through each day for no other reason to at least get to that point.  It wasn't at all easy and there was many a time i didn't think i'd make it but all the personal hell was going to finally be worth it once that day arrived.  I'd have my Happy Ending - my one day of total bliss and limitless joy before bowing out.  Seeing "The Muppets" was the thing i held onto when all else was unbearable darkness.

Now before i go on, let me tell you something about being a Muppet fan in Phoenix Arizona.  It's lonely.  There aren't a lot of Muppet Freaks in my neck of civilization.  I would constantly be in envy of places like the Northeast where so many Muppet Freaks knew each other and frequently got together for Muppet-lovin' activities.  Actually, that's pretty much what it's like to be a fan of ANYTHING in Phoenix...no matter what kind of stuff i loved, i could connect with other likeminded fans online all over the world but finding anyone local would usually prove fruitless.  Maybe it's the geography of the city - for one of the nation's largest cities, it's very spread out, everything's walled in and the heat keeps people indoors and away from others.

But even if people were staying inside their respective habitats in the comfort of their air conditioning, surely fans of (whatever) would go online and join the respective fan communities, right?  Apparently not.  Whether it be Muppets/Henson, Eurythmics, Pet Shop Boys, Shakespears Sister, One Life to Live, or any of my other major areas of fandom, i never seemed to ever find local fans of my favorite things in any of the online fan communities.  So if there were local Muppet (or other) fellow fans here, they're not active online.

So this was one thing in particular i was especially excited about concerning the release of "The Muppets":  seeing it in a theatre with fellow fans!  It would be the time where these "hidden fans" would come out of hiding and be at the same place at the same time just waiting for us all to discover each other...the debut showing of the movie would be where i'd be able to experience the excitement and joy of being surrounded by fellow Muppet Freaks - maybe i'd make a whole bunch of cool new friends!  I knew immediately that i would be attending the first screening of the film here - even if i had to miss work...hopefully there would be a midnight showing so that wouldn't be an issue - my job doesn't have sick hours/vacation time and missing any time is very hard on the wallet since i can barely get by as it is with my normal hours.

I can't even count the number of times i'd go to bed after yet another hard day filled with hours of wishing-i-were-dead and just dream about what it would finally be like seeing the film...and seeing it with other fans!  Given my financial status, even if another MuppetFest were to ever happen, i wouldn't be able to attend - there would be no way i could afford the ticket, the travel, or the time off work.  If i was going to experience anything again resembling a Muppet fan event, the debut showing of "The Muppets" was going to be it.

I got to thinking about how other Muppet Freaks all over the world were in similar situations:  desperate to connect with other local fans and anxiously awaiting the chance to meet them as they went into their local theatres to see "The Muppets".  I got to thinking, "Hey, wouldn't it be great if we could come up with a way for the most hardcore of the fans to recognize each other?"  Maybe if one of the fans with artistic talent were to design an awesome shirt and sold them on the major fansites and/or made the design available for download to put on a shirt yourself?  When someone would go in a theatre (especially if it wasn't the debut showing) and see someone else in this special shirt, they'd instantly know they were in the presence of a Major Muppet Freak and they would have to introduce themselves. 

I had already closed up the original Muppet Freak and said my goodbyes at that point so i started to throw out the idea on fan forums...though it turned out some other people were also thinking heavily about Muppet t-shirts...if not necessarily for the specific purposes of Muppet Freak Identifiers.  Not one, but TWO online companies held contests for Muppet T-shirt designs.  I won't comment too much on The Great Muppet T Shirt Contest Explosion of 2011 since that's a whole other entry for another time, but suffice to say Muppet Freaks had a lot of great T-shirts available to choose from for movie-goin'-wearin'!  I had some favorites of my own i would have loved to buy and wear ... but the whole struggling-financially-to-get-by thing got in the way and i just didn't have the chance to afford ordering any of these before the movie (still don't own one...so that should be a note to jot down in your "holiday gift shopping gift for a Muppet freak ideas" notebook)  An already existing Muppet shirt in my closet would have to suffice.

Of course, confronted with the first dose of reality in the form of not being able to afford a new Muppet shirt, the concepts of "Ideal vs Reality" was starting to sink in.  "Oh no - what if after all this time of holding on waiting for this precise moment, it doesn't happen?  What if i can't even afford a ticket?"  (Which was likely.)  "What if there's not a debut showing i can get to by bus or foot close enough to me?"  Panic started to set in because this was exactly the way my life has worked for the last decade...the promise of anything slightly good being ruined.

Even though i already was living very leanly and got used to such nutritional habits such as the 39 cent Del Taco and the loaf of bread and all the free condiment packages i could grab at Circle K making up my weekly diet plan, i cut back even more in the weeks leading up to the film - starving myself so i could at least be able to have a ticket!  I obsessively scanned several online listings sites for information on where there would be local midnight debut screenings...hoping that the one at Metrocenter would be included since getting there and home would be no problem since it's close and in walking distance if i couldn't get a ride.  Of course, given the curse my life tends to be under, day after day it still wasn't showing up and time was running out!

Of the theatres being announced, there were a few i may be able to get to on time by bus after i got off work...but no way to get back home.  (Phoenix bus service is the pits.)  There was no way i could even think of being able to afford a taxi.  Time was running out and desperation sinking in so i started posting like mad on fan forums for any Phoenix fans who've been in lurkdom to come out and placing "Obsessed Muppet fan needs ride to debut screening" ads on Craigslist and Backpage.

For a brief moment it looked like i might have a ride with a fan from Tuscon, but that fell through.  The occasional response from Craigslist would come in...and be from some illiterate creep who somehow managed to interpret needing a ride to a Muppet movie as being a sex invite.  At least one response seemed legit and we started making arrangements...until all of a sudden the emails started taking on a scarier homophobic tone signalling this wasn't going to work either.

The last possible moment i could check for updates of screenings or email responses for rides came...and - big surprise - still no luck.  Of course.  All i ever wanted was just one day out of a freakin' DECADE where i could be happy and have a good time for just a few hours and of course it wasn't looking good.  So out of time and options limited, i devised my emergency plan of action...i'd take the bus from work to the nearest theatre doing a midnight showing and wear a sign on my back saying "Need ride home (19th Ave/Cactus)"  Sure, it would be very humiliating and all that would be missing would be a giant L tattooed on my forehead, but that's what it had come down to.  As for my shirt, i had been thinking of wearing my Kermit head tan shirt since it was extremely similar to the one Walter wears in the movie, but at the last minute decided to go with an Electric Mayhem shirt since it was slightly cooler and more unique - i needed the strength of any possible conversation pieces to more easily get a ride home.  My walkman tape player was loaded up with Muppet tracks for the bus ride!  This was it - by hook or crook i was seeing the debut screening with local fans and who knew what might come out of it?!

All day i was very worried and unable to concentrate at work...i was so scared i'd end up being the only one at the theatre which would be really horrible on so many levels:  (a) if no one else was there, i'd have no way home (b) there really would be NO Muppet fans at all where i live (c) how horrible would that be for The Muppets - no one going to see the film?!  I thought such a scenario might actually play out since the newspaper didn't have any info on the midnight showings - one would only know about them if they sought out the info online...and maybe Phoenix wasn't that much of a "checking for online movie screening info" kind of place...after all, Phoenix online Muppet fans sure weren't making their presence known after a decade and a half of being online.

Thankfully, it looked like the turnout would be a good one - the people kept coming through the door and the seats were getting filled!  The bulk of the attendees seemed to be late teens/early twenties - a good demographic signal of the film's opening week success!  Not very many people seemed to be there on their own; it seemed like a lot of the people there were part of some large group of friends or another.  Even though i'd hear the occasional conversation snatch of "I've been waiting soooo long to see this movie", i wasn't seeing very many people dressed Muppety.  In fact the only person i spotted wearing any "Muppet" articles of clothing was someone wearing a SESAME STREET (Oscar) shirt.

The crowd was lively and into it even before the film started...with the place going wild when the Muppet AMC theatre etiquette promo ran!  Although there were a few minor flaws with editing/story construction, the movie itself was almost everything i could want from a Muppet movie (a movie review would be a whole other article so i won't expand on that here.)  It was very heartwarming to see the audience laughing along and loving it.  I still didn't have a ride home lined up but it would surely come after the movie - after all this was not only a healthy sized crowd, but a crowd of MUPPET FANS - people who had the whole Henson/Muppet mentality and values.  People who believed in sharing, making sure people in need were helped, valuing each and every fellow man and doing the right thing.

Guess again.

The walk home was five hours.  Five painful hours.  Five tears-wouldn't-stop-gushing hours.  Even the tape full of Muppet music in my Walkman couldn't keep my spirits up as i kept flipping it over and over again to listen to the same 45 minutes per side YET AGAIN.  I was very thankful that after not really eating the week beforehand that i at least had enough for a popcorn and soda for the movie because i needed some kind of food in my system to endure it (and also thankful i remembered to use the bathroom before starting the trek.)

I continued to wear my "Need ride home" sign on my back for about the first half hour up until i was starting to see how most of the traffic was turning out to be police cars, so i didn't need something else ruining the night even more.

When you're forced to walk home late at night for who knows how long it will end up being, fearing for your life of being mugged and raped, having to walk over bridges when you have a fear of heights and a slight spell of dizziness when you're on one, a lot of thoughts go through your head.  For at least the first hour, most of the thoughts are still with the movie; remembering the best parts, further analyzing the weaknesses and how it could have been improved.  But soon that buzz wears off and the reality of the situation sinks in.  All you ever wanted - all you kept holding onto each day you wanted to die was just ONE night where you could be happy and things could go right.  And once again, you were robbed.  Someone up there REALLY REALLY hates you.

I couldn't think of which was worse; the fact that once again i was the most pathetic loser who never should have been born, the idea that what was supposed to be the happiest night of my year...my decade...was yet another living nightmare come true and that all this time when i wanted with every fiber of my being to not live anymore i kept myself going on just to go through this, or the thought that not one person in a good sized crowd of what was supposed to be MUPPET FANS  could be bothered to give an obviously pathetic guy who humiliated himself wearing a sign on his back a ride home...even just partway.

That last thought disturbed me the most.  What kind of Muppet Fan is that?  That went completely against any image i had of a Muppet Fan.  Did none of these people know about Jim Henson?  Did they learn nothing from the examples he set in all his works and visions?  This just seemed like the worst kind of betrayal; the thought of being let down by not only Muppet Fans, but a big group of them.  I kept telling myself, they COULDN'T have been real Muppet Fans.  Maybe people who liked the Muppets a little bit or more likely just full-of-themselves college kids who were only just interested in the latest "It" thing moment to moment - but these certainly couldn't have been actual full-fledged MUPPET FANS.  And CERTAINLY not Muppet Freaks.  They wore Sesame shirts to a Classic Muppet movie for frog's sake.  I'll bet not one of them could correctly name over 50% of the Muppets in the poster.  (At least i did get a free poster...but it's not easy for a poster to stay in good condition when being handheld for a five hour walk home.)

I think this is what i cried at the most.  Jim failed.  All his teachings; all the examples he modeled - the people who should mirror his ethics and values are just as shallow and selfcentered and uncaring and unfeeling as everybody else.  It just didn't compute!  Muppet Fans aren't supposed to be anything like that.  But apparently they were.

So not only did i fail to find or connect with any REAL local Muppet fans and discovered that i am indeed truly alone out here but i was betrayed and fed to the wolves by people merely posing as Muppet Fans.  I thought back to the "I've waited so long to see this movie" comments i'd hear before the movie.  Did they really wait months, years to see it or since they left the theatre to see the last fad film?

If any of these posers were indeed really truly "Muppet Fans", it became dishearteningly clear that night that All Muppet Fans Aren't Created Equal.  Some "get" everything the Muppets stood for for half a century and others just think it's cool to sing Mahna Mahna as they vote Tea Party, bully gays, and drive their gas-guzzlers (not bothering to give a fellow fan in desperate need a ride home.)

But there's other ways All Muppet Fans Aren't Created Equal.  Some can love the Muppets like nothing else, absorb everything they can about them, practically eat, sleep, breathe Muppets and they still end up alone, abandoned, unloved, tossed aside to the wolves, blister upon blister on their feet unable to move another step but with no other choice but to keep going if i'm going to make it home in time to shower and change (sleep is already out of the question by now) before work - and others can hob nob in Hollywood with Muppeteers or yuk it up with a huge group of friends and have the whole Muppet Silver Platter fed to them with no worries of how much money they're spending for the rare autographed collectible or owning every teeny tiny little thing with a Muppet on it while others starve themselves just to see a movie they can't even afford a ride home from.  The message was loud and clear and practically flashing from the stars above as if they were neon billboards:  i was nothing but a pathetic Loser and failure as a human being and not even on a Muppet Night like this one, would that change.

Finally there was a point i couldn't take it any more between the physical and mental/emotional pain.  I stopped walking.  Put the things i was holding on the ground.  Went onto the street and just laid down waiting for something to run me over then and there.  The moment i held onto came and went and it ended up being another slap in the face and there was nothing left to keep me going so why wait one more moment?  Why worry about getting to work on time - i won't have any rent or bills to pay that i have to go to work for.  I even had a "last meal" of sorts (movie popcorn).  Not even what was supposed to be a heavenly evening could turn out to be anything other than Hellish so this had to be it.  No more indignity, no more failure, no more pain, just no more!!

Since i wasn't exactly timing myself i don't know exactly how long i was lieing in the street - it was definitely over a minute and probably no more than five but i eventually collected myself and figured i couldn't end it this way.  Too much left to chance...and good fortune wasn't exactly a trademark of my life.  I was depending too much on unplanned random elements instead of the methods i had researched and planned for years on using when the time was right.  Instead of being in control, i was gambling on fate and fate hadn't proven itself to be friendly towards me since the mid 90's.  Too much of a chance, i may get hit but it wouldn't be fatal, or the next vehicle to come by would be a police car or something.

So i got back up, got back on the sidewalk, picked up my belongings, and continued the painful walk.  My time to leave this hell would come soon enough but just not this night this way.

Flashback to ten years ago:  End of MuppetFest.  I had said my goodbyes to everyone i had met before retiring to my hotel room and going to sleep before taking the bus back home tomorrow.  Mental breakdown.  Tears started to well up and kept gushing out.  I made it; i held on, i was now 30 - and MuppetFest was over and i was back to being regular failure-at-everything (except being a Muppet Fan) me again.  Soaking in the bathtub deep in thought contemplating a razor blade.  Not a method i had previously thought or considered but there it was. 

... And then i lost time...

That's NEVER happened to me before or since.  One moment i'm in the bathtub just thinking "this can end right now" and the next moment i'm in bed unharmed.  I know it wasn't a dream - it was real - but i had no recollection or idea how i got from Point A to Point B.  To this day, i still don't.  But just the idea that i had some kind of blackout and had no memory of a significant amount of time just before was probably the most frightening thing that had ever happened to me.

Ten years later.  Still same deathwish.  Still total nervous breakdown where i almost took my life on pure impulse rather than by my longtime well-laid plans.  But this time there was no blackout or lost time.  Too bad in a way - that would have been a moment in time i'd like to not be able to remember.

My 40th birthday wasn't too far away so my window of time left was short if i did indeed follow the plan to take my life before turning 40.  I had been wrestling with the decision to maybe go a little bit beyond it and even a little into 2012 only because there was another (non Muppet) fandom thing i was holding onto that i was thinking of at least waiting to experience.  The rest of the way home, in addition to the "What kind of Muppet Fans WERE these?!" thoughts dominating my head, my other main thread of thought was that however long the rest of my life would end up being, the memory of this horrible night would be linked to this movie.  Every time i saw it again, anytime i heard the soundtrack, anytime i saw the poster, anytime i talked about it with other fans (real ones, online) - i'd involuntarily recall this experience. 

...I already have a severe allergy to Life's a Happy Song.  I can't listen to it without melting down as it's a total lie.  It only works within the context of a Muppet movie; any real world applications are completely false advertising...
So the only way to possibly manage to counter that would be to have a new experience centered around this movie that had good memories attached to it.  Hey, maybe if i managed to hold on long enough to see the dvd release of the movie, that might be the turnaround.  The dvd, after all, should be even MORE awesome.  There was obviously a lot that didn't survive the final cut of the film and even before the movie started filming, it was clear the Muppets were gearing up for the dvd release since they had filmed the first script read through as possible bonus material.  Maybe that might be something worth holding on for and things would be just a little bit more okay again.

Right?

"Cheeze Pleeze": Rizzo's Favorite Radio Show?

Do you love the Muppets?  (Why am i even asking - of COURSE you do: (a) you're reading a site called Muppet Freak and (b) who doesn't?)  Do you love the Dr. Demento Show and miss being able to listen to it on the radio?  Well at least the good doctor's still online but maybe you're looking for a show that plays mad music that still airs on radio stations?  Or maybe you have a love of warped, crazy, cheesy music...

You need to check out "Cheeze Pleeze".

"Cheeze Pleeze" is a weekly half hour radio show that showcases the wacky, the warped, and the weird.  From celebrity slip-ups to polka music, if it's strange or so-bad-it's-good, they play it.  And Muppets are often a part of the proceedings.

There's been several times when Muppet/Sesame and related songs have been featured and many other episodes where Muppet references pop up in the hosts' banter.

You may want to check out their website at cheezepleeze.com to see if it's on a station in your area...and if it's not, you can still listen to the latest week's episode at the site.  Hopefully you're reading this post pretty recently after i wrote it since this very week is perfect for Muppet Freaks to explore!  The show opens with a couple of Muppet covers - or more specifically a cover of a Muppet song and the original recording of a song made famous by the Muppets:  The Jubilee School Choir's rendition of Rainbow Connection and Piero Umiliani's Mah Na Mah Na.  Plus a section of Mel Blanc tracks, Lurch from the Adams' Family and Disco Garbage!  This is one cool show i always make it a point never to miss each week!

...And oh yeah, speaking of Dr. Demento, does anyone else think that it was some kind of violation of some sort of universal law that after about three months after the release of "The Muppets" no song from the soundtrack had yet received airplay on The Dr. Demento Show?  Well i sure noticed and fearing the consequences of some cosmic monkey wrench in the natural order of things, i requested the good doctor to play The Muppets Barbershop Quartet's rendition of Smells Like Teen Spirit ... which got played on the February 11th episode (right after Weird Al's Smells Like Nirvana).  Just doin' my part for Muppet Fandom, Muppet Freaks, The Muppets themselves and the rest of the world restoring order and balance to the universe.

Hold on to Your Hat! HAT! HOLD!!!

Well, as i've been adding the old Muppet Freak archives to this new site, i've been placing them up in the same chronological order that they originally appeared in so far.  However the very next archive article due to go up really works best if it adheres to a particular date.  But the good news is, that date is coming up very shortly so i'll hold off about a week before i post it - but it should be worth the wait...it's one of my favorites even if some others didn't quite "get it" the first time around.  A very loving tribute to a Muppet Hero and personal inspiration to a lot of people in a very unique context.

But that doesn't mean activity here at Muppet Freak will be on hold since during that time i plan on debuting two brand new articles; one of which has the debut of "The Muppets" in theatres as a backdrop and the other centered around the film's home video release.  One of these will be touching on a very important matter confronting the Muppet fan community and i'm taking a lot of care and time writing it because there's lots to say and i want to be sure it all gets said.

So all in all, even with the small interruption in the archival postings, this should be a very eventful week at Muppet Freak with some very deep content you won't want to miss.  It may even make you both laugh and cry.  You won't see this kind of stuff anywhere else.

Anyone Remember These Five Awesome Puppet Shows? [From the Archives: 3-29-09]

[The below article was posted on the original Muppet Freak on March 29, 2009]

The Muppets had a huge impact on my love of puppetry in general. So it probably goes without saying that i would often search out and make it a point to tune in to any other tv shows i came across featuring puppets. None were ever totally as cool as the Muppets, but there were some that came pretty close. Not to mention some that were really horribly bad. Some were well known, others tucked away...in fact some that i have fond recollections of still remain in such obscurity that to this day, i can hardly find anything about them online. Some of them were only in my local market of Cleveland Ohio area programming.

There was a show called "Mindy" (which was a spinoff of an earlier show i don't remember the name of, but there were few real differences between them) which was one of those Sunday morning shows that had some human hosts and a puppet cast (I'm fairly sure one of the main ones was an Italian named Tony Pepperoni) doing comedy bits in between playing Popeye and Warner Bros type cartoons. I barely remember a lot of details, but somehow i clearly remember my joy and feelings of watching it. I was fascinated by their sets since they had a whole bunch of them representing a whole neighborhood. There was a human character called "The Inspector" who did slapstick bits.

This later was replaced with a far inferior show that had a male and female host called "Hickory Hideout" with some squirrel puppets that lived in a tree. Cute concept but bad show. The humans looked and sounded like a human version of Wayne and Wanda.

One advantage of growing up in a small Ohio town right on the lakeshore was that back when most television stations only delivered about a dozen channels, one of those stations was CBC, Canadian Broadcasting Corporation. I saw a lot of cool shows (puppet and non-puppet) that most people elsewhere wouldn't get to experience. I remember stuff like The Friendly Giant when i was really little. Around 1980 there was this show called Snelgrove Snail that had this cast of underwater creatures with a really catchy theme song (one of the things that still stick in my head) and a lead character that sounded very Jim Henson-esque. I haven't been able to find much about this show in terms of clips, photos, or episode details but i did discover that Dan Redican was among its cast. Dan did some work with the Muppets (most notably on Jim Henson Hour) and is also a member of the great comedy troupe The Frantics. Fans of the Dr. Demento Show know them especially from their classic "Boot to the Head". I got to watch Fraggle Rock even though i didn't have HBO! Best of all, their airings of The Muppet Show often included the UK Sketches. (They didn't show the whole 25.5 minute episode, but they would usually cut out a different act and leave in the UK skit)

There was a wealth of puppet-based or puppet-related shows to check out in my youth. I would like to pay tribute to my five most fondly remembered. See if YOU recognize any of these.

THE LETTER PEOPLE

Back in the 70's before schools had vcr's (and often showed film strips or movies from projectors), we would occasionally be treated to any number of made-for-schools shows broadcast weekdays on PBS. One such show that i have fond memories of was The Letter People (now this was the original 70's version. I hear there was an updated 90's version which i've not seen and from what i've heard about it, i really don't care to). The show taught phonics with a cast of characters representing the letters of the alphabet (the consonants were "Letter Boys" and the vowels were "Letter Girls"). Other puppets were included that would interact with them, most notably game show host Monty Swell who discovered the Letter People could combine their sounds and make words and used them on his "Catching Game". There was the first character introduced, the Cookie Monster-esque Mr. M (known for his "Munching Mouth"), Mr. H with his "Horrible Hair", Mr. N with his "Noisy Nose" (a trumpet like protrusion that would sound off when he heard a word starting with the N sound), and my favorites Mr. S (with his Super Socks) and Miss O (an Obstinate Opera Singer) There were even some cartoon inserts that had also been shown on Sesame Street. Although he was uncredited, it was also an early puppetry job for Muppeteer Allan Trautman. Our principal had blown up inflatable dolls of the Letter People and i was really envious of her for having these. If i ever had to stay at home from school due to illness or a snow day, it was always cool to be able to watch The Letter People at home (especially if it was a grade where we weren't watching them) There were 60 15-minute episodes in all, and in the school setting, we never got to see all 60 of them by the end of the school year. In my tape trading, i was able to acquire copies of all of them several years ago. Parts of the show were just as good as i remembered; other parts i found kind of boring while watching as an adult. But still this was an overall really cool show.

MADAME'S PLACE

If you were both a puppetry lover and a budding gay man, you loved Wayland Flowers and Madame. Frequent game and variety show guests and featured on Solid Gold for a time, this quite borderline-raunchy old lady puppet was in many ways what one could imagine Miss Piggy becoming like in her old age. (When i was in high school, i got to have my picture taken with Arizona governor Rose Mofford and i SWEAR she looked just like a human version of Madame!) She got her own show which aired late nights because of its adult humor(which made it all the more cool because you had to stay up real late to watch it). Among its cast was the then ubiquitous Judy Landers and a young Corey Feldman. The sitcom featured her crazy home life at her mansion and the talk show she hosted (which often had guest appearances from well know stars and up and coming comedians, including a largely then unknown Lay Leno). There was also one of the most catchiest theme song of all time which included lines like

When a young man looks at Madame
She just THROWS herself right at 'em
She's young at heart and still gettin' her kicks.

Someone, anyone - PLEASE get this show out on dvd!

GREAT SPACE COASTER

This was so much fun. One of those rare kids' shows that didn't feel like a kids' show. The puppets and the humans were both engaging and fun to watch, had awesome guests and songs and also included Muppeteers Kevin Clash, Jim Martin and John Lovelady. The best part of the show was the segment with Gary Gnu and his "guh-"news broadcasts. Think Muppet Newsflash mixed with Soupy Sales and Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update. If you were fortunate enough to see it, you'll never forget the time Bess Armstrong filled in for Gary Gnu and fell victim to his typical humiliations. This is another show that needs to find modern audiences and old fans via dvd! This ranks up there with Soupy Sales, The Electric Company and You Can't Do That On Television as one of the coolest non-Muppet/Henson live-action kids shows of all time.

PUPPET TREE

Of all the shows on this list, this is the one that no one else seems to have seen or remembers. It was a Christian kids show that was on one of the religious channels, but it was hardly preachy and only a small portion was even Bible/religion oriented. Most of it was just good puppety fun. It had a full-bodied green alligator, a Crazy Harry-esque character named Coma Kaze who instead of causing explosions, would run his airplane all over the place in a crazed fashion. There was even a laugh track! One musical number even had the store bought hand puppets of Oscar and Cookie Monster dancing along (so much for "Thou Shalt Not Engage In Copyright Infringement") Each episode would end with a shot of a bunch of mannequins grouped together being feather dusted by one of the little girl puppets as a voiceover declared "Puppet Tree was shot in front of a studio audience...of DUMMIES" at which point she would accidentally knock them over domino style as she crumpled her face up over this action. I don't think there's ever been a religious show this far out wild and entertaining (with or without puppets) ever. I really wish i could track down clips or information on this show...or even for that matter someone else who saw it!

HOT FUDGE SHOW

Now i've mentioned some pretty dang cool shows in this thread, but this one makes all the others look like Polka Party. Just like i had to stay up super late to watch Madame's Place, i had to get up ultra early to watch Hot Fudge on weekend mornings. But it was SO worth it! For the longest time, one could barely find anything about this show on the web (except for other people saying they watched it and it was the coolest thing ever) but over the last year, a handful of rare clips popped up on Youtube, a myspace page, and an official website. I could gush on and on about how awesome this show and its (puppet and human) cast was (actor Ron Coden was so adept at slapstick and physical comedy especially in the "Holy Moley" segments, that he came across like a human Wile E Coyote), but this one was so wicked supercool, i'll invite you to scope it out yourself. There was apparently a recent reunion special from the local Detroit station it originated from and i would be eternally grateful if anyone could manage to track down a copy for me (or any old episodes for that matter). Just like a hot fudge sundae (or any other ice cream based desert), the show was a sweet treat that there's always room for and one can never get enough of it. I miss this show so much it hurts. Hot Fudge was simply the cream of the crop.

[Two years later and there's still NOTHING on the web about Puppet Tree or that local Mindy show that i've been able to dig up either.  With the exception of Letter People, finding clips of the above shows are pretty sparse as well.]